I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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