if i can run in heels then i can drive
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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