lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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