Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize
