The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
