Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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