Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
