the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
so much tequila, so little girl.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
