Me too!
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
