maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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