I just threw up on my dentist
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
