All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
