I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize