I didn't shave. On purpose
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
