I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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