I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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