Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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