So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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