i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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