I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
