I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
