I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
