life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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