Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
