the condom got lost in my hair
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
