I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
