Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Randomize
