She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
