I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
