i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
