woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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