She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
