Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
