I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize