I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
