I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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