Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
