I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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