i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
