roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
