he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
My feet surprised me
Randomize
