She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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