I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
