I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
