I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
