i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Randomize
