respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize