I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
