she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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