Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
