We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
