How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
