Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
