You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
