She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
