I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
