He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
