Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
