Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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