We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
