i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
