I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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