She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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