i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
