Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
