im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize