Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Everclear isn't food dammit
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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